On guarding your heart

"Guard your heart with all diligence, for out of it flows the springs of life"

I cannot agree more with this verse. Things happen in life. The good and the bad, it's a package. Give yourself time to heal but don't dwell and linger on it. It's perfectly alright to be angry but don't abuse this entitlement. Anger is the fastest and surest route to bitterness. There are so many things to get angry over. Ask me what are my peeves, oh, the list is endless. Not having breakfast on the table can get me started some mornings. Waiting for buses never fails to set me off in lousy moods. Forgetting my assignment at home when it's due the very same day. There are some days where the 'yuhan moments' go on and on much as it gets on me sometimes when people say 'ohhoney' (that's my pet name for some) in the why-am-i-not-surprise tone.

Take this tuesday 2 weeks ago. I left my assignment at home so I actually had to rush home during the one hour break in between classes to grab it. As I was submitting, I spotted mistakes which I just didnt see throughout the 10 over times I was revising it. On the way to church, the sole of my shoes came off. I had every reason to sulk and detour home and be angry with the world. But I did what I had to do. I braced myself, and I laughed it off. I laughed at my predicament. Sometimes, you need to laugh at yourself to make the anger go.

Take yesterday, you can refer to the previous entry for evidence. It was easy to get mad. It felt like nothing was going right. We often dont get the chance to decide what happens to us. But we have a choice to decide how we want to react to situations. We have a choice to guard our hearts. Guard your heart from falling into the temptations of being angry and instead, choose to be thankful. I tend to believe that something good will come out of the situation when you choose joy and gratitude over anger and unforgiveness.

So this morning, I awoke to an email asking for my confirmation to a job interview that will take place next week. I am thankful. If you have read the previous entry, I was just fretting over the replies last night but I made a choice to be thankful. Im not saying I will definitely secure the job but Im thankful, regardless. Be thankful for blessings. Credit the blessings. That way, you will find so many things in life to be thankful about.

For myself, I have been trying to incorporate gratitude as my way of life. I want gratitude to be a cornerstone of my character. I want my heart to be filled with thankfulness every day of my life. I thank God for my family every night. I am thankful that my family is so extravagant in their love, both instrumentally and emotionally. I am thankful for my friends. I am thankful that I am going to US of A this June!!!!! Let me explain why. I entertained thoughts of a grad trip to UK with my friends but it was no more than a fleeting idea because as you guys probably know by now, I am not a big saver. I certainly do not have the financial ability to do so. So I lowered my expectations and told myself I would be satisfied with Vietnam with my closer friends. But we are not the most decisive people around and to cut things short, I was prepared to forego my grad trip. It didn't come as a loss to me because frankly, UK or Vietnam wouldn't run away. (can't say the same for venice though, sigh). I have learned to go easier on my expectations and myself because it makes life much easier for my heart and my emotions. So imagine my surprise when I was made an offer for a trip to SF for 2 weeks where I can defer on my payment. Never in my wildest imagination have I visualized myself going to America this June. I might have laughed it off your face if you told me at the start of the year. I always told myself it's okay even if friends are traveling all across the globe with their parents' help. I was happy being independent of my parents' resources (at least when it comes to my own entertainment expenses). But gratitude and simplicity in my outlook rewards. Guess God really knows to reward above and beyond what you can imagine every time. I am so thankful that words cannot express my excitement and joy. And more than everything, I am thankful that I serve such a great God. So,

US BABY, HERE WE COME!

Relationship precedes ministry.

Just yesterday, PK shared with us about the importance of having a love relationship with God, before we should think about leadership. Many times, we fall pray to wanting to impress God, our leaders, wondering what we can do for them, for His people. But what God really wants is for us to be happy above all else and to have an endearing r/s w Him. If we are only caught up with serving, one day we will falter when people or God himself disappoints us because we will feel unrequited. Don't serve for the sake of serving, serve out of your heart and because you want to.

"I rather you be a happy member, than an unhappy connect group leader." This really brought comfort to my soul.

Sometimes, it really isn't about preaching down people's throats. No one wants to hear about the negative. No one wants to hear that what they are doing is wrong. Sometimes, it just takes a listening ear. I guess I overlooked that or I did something wrong along the way. Got into a pretty bad conflict with A last night, our worst so far. Guess I've been giving the impression that I am only interested in preaching, but never in understand what he's thinking. wells. Food for thought.

Zoe life of God

Zoe. The Zoe life of God.

It's been almost 1.5 years since I got baptized on the 18th of Sept 2010. 2010 was easily the toughest year of my life because I lost 2 people/thing that were closest to my heart for the longest period of time. That year, it felt like my world came to a standstill, and every day of my life, I felt like I was carrying a physical body void of life. I was a lifeless person and I didn't know if I was going to experience joy anymore. My friends told me there was no life when they look into my eyes. Yes, looking back, I have every good reason to say I was going through depression.
Then came my 21st birthday. More than just celebrating a milestone in my life, I celebrated adulthood. I was asked whether I wanted to be baptized. My parents are non believers, conservative atheists I would say, and they believed that being baptized would change me radically. No, it is not that I don't honour or respect their decisions but I thought I was sensible and old enough to make my choice. And I badly needed/ wanted something that could bring life back to my soul again. So renouncing my faith and declaring myself as a child of God through water baptism was the next step I needed to take.

Choosing my baptism name was easy. I wanted the breath of God upon my life, to be within me. Yes, Zoe is a common name even amongst non believers. But I was convicted that I needed the Zoe life of God inside of me.

For some people, going through water baptism can radically transform their lives. Yes, there are many testimonies of people who step into the water and leave as a new man practically. People who struggled with drugs/alcohol/smoking and couldn't get rid of these vices literally died to their flesh and addictions the moment they step out. For me, it wasn't as exciting, but that is not to say my baptism was merely some religious routine.

And they say, you are either your name or you aspire to be your name. For me, I started experiencing what it means to be Zoe, slowly but so surely. I started experiencing the joy of the Lord, the peace, the love, and more than everything else, the life of God which took over and resurrected a body that contained a 2 years old dead soul.

It doesn't matter to me that Zoe is a common name, because it is my personal revelation that I am Zoe, and I have the Zoe life of God inside of me :)

the banes of technology

You may not believe me when I say I am highly introverted by nature. That's probably one of my biggest inadequacy. Within a group setting, it is not unusual for people to miss my presence because I practically blend into the surroundings. Come a small group meetup, people notice I don't contribute much to conversations. And when I'm alone with just another party, words are stucked in my throat and I'd rather have awkward silence than to voice out everything in my mind. I am so conscious of my actions and what people would think that I hold back. Behind the facade of my screen (be it skype, blackberry or anything), I can chat freely and say absolutely everything and anything and amuse people with my jokes. But take away the screen, meeting people in face is yet another story. I can almost say I am verbally handicapped without my technologies.

My uncle always reminds me how chatty and bubbly I was in my younger days. I was the apple of everyone's eye because I made everyone around me happy. My uncle goes on to tell me that I am the only one who can make my younger male cousin (back then, we were really close) laugh. But when did things start to change? I'm not entirely sure but I daresay it has a lot to do with esteem issues and how I felt I could let my mask down behind the screens. I got too comfortable with my persona behind screens that it practically becomes my alter ego. You have no idea how good (in comparison to face values) my articulation is behind the screen.

I didn't see a problem until my uncle started reminding me how reserved I am now as compared to the past. My sister told me I sound like an entirely different person on FB and in reality. In my previous relationship, the guy actually took out a pen and a paper during one of our quarrels for me to pen down my thoughts because he was too frustrated that I was keeping quiet. My leader says I need to speak up more , be it in group settings or anything, ever so often. People are often prompting me to talk during meetups. Yesterday, during my meetup with A, he said 'now i understand why your leader tells you to speak up more' and when we resumed our chat over BBM awhile after we parted, he said 'next time when we meet, we chat over BBM ok.' Now, that's a serious issue. I most certainly do not want people to see me as the girl behind her handphone and neither do I want to confuse friends of my 2 seemingly different personalities.

I need to be able to chat freely on and off screen, to the same extents. I need to make conversations independent of my gadgets. I need to master the art of communication once again.

Managing my finances

At 23, having two-digits to my bank statement does not bode well for me, especially since I do not have any loans or credits to pay for. Some say it doesn't matter because within a few months into the working force, I will easily accumulate three to four digits of savings. But I would very much prefer to be steadfast in my own conviction. If I have trouble even managing this little allowance in my hands, what would make of me when I start to earn more.

Simply put, I have difficulties in managing my finances and lack the discipline to control my expenses. That came out a lot easier than I expected, ha ha

Hence, I have devised a plan to better manage my finances. I am not saying that everyone has to make such a conscientious effort in planning. For the better few of us who have the luxury to be more lavish with their expenditures, be thankful :)

1) Decide on what is a need vs a want.
Weekly catch-ups over starbucks is definitely not a need. More than half of my material possessions are wants. A laptop is a need, but a Macbook laptop is a want when I can easily make-do with a normal Fujitsu/Acer. And once you have identified what are the items that fall under the 'wants' category, start to reduce the desires for these items. For me, I have decided that I will stave off Starbucks for as long as needed. Abstaining from starbucks for a year could easily save me up to $1000. It may seem little, but every little bit counts. It isn't easy, but I must try.

2) Calculate your expenses.
I can usually keep up with these calculations for at most 3 weeks. Because I part with my money so easily that it gets tiring keeping up with my expenses. Be meticulous about your records. From the one dollar you donate to those students at bus interchanges for their flag-day CIPs, to the hundreds/ thousands you spend on a branded bag, record them down. Do not think lightly of the cents you dispose of because little things accumulate to make big differences.

3) Be wise about your spendings.
Know what is your weakness, for instance, shopping, or eating at restaurants. When you know that you cannot control your expenses in particular aspects, bring someone along with you. And preferably someone who is more discerning in his/ her expenditures. When out shopping, do not make reckless decisions. I can never control my urges when it comes to shopping. I can easily spend up to several hundreds in one receipt at a particular outlet, eg Topshop. I am quite a material whore and conscious of product labels and I am not very proud of it especially since I cannot keep up with my expenses. If the top does not seem to complement me, I will still buy it (not all the times, but once is bad enough) My friends can vouch for me. When they ask for my opinions, most times, I tell them to buy it. I can be out of a shop within 45 minutes but within this short span of time, I can easily be a hundred dollars poorer.

4) Think long term.
Yes, it is human to be blinded by our short term desires without considering the long term consequences. For me, my long term goals include my marriage and family, having a decent car, a pent house apartment or at least a condo. But this is certainly not happening with only seventy dollars to my name. Start thinking long term, be frugal now so that you may get to enjoy it in your later years.

The only reason why I am living in a comfortable environment now is because my parents had their own savings plan in their younger days and religiously followed through. They are the perfect example of what I should be looking up to and aiming for. The problem is really not with the input; it is with the output. A R Bernard recently said this 'when your outgo exceeds your income, your upkeep will be your downfall.' Make some adaptations to your lifestyle and you may actually find big improvements to your savings :)

The last time

When was the last time you tried something for the first time?

For me, it was probably stepping into a LAN shop with 2 guys and 1 girl some few months ago, which I will get to later. I've been so consumed by my commitments that I stopped trying new things for a long time.

The first time I took the public transport by myself? Somewhat liberating, got a taste of what freedom and growing up entails, along with the awareness that I am finally responsible for my own safety.

The first time I drove a car by myself after attaining my license? Oh, no, you wouldn't want to know how fast I went. I felt empowered, I felt like I could go against the world. But I could never multi task. One moment I'm stealing a glance at the speedometer, and the next, I was cutting into half of the next lane. But sure, it was exhilarating.

The first time I got into my car accident. Can't say it carried very positive emotions along with it; in fact it was traumatic. I was in a daze the drive home. I cried because I thought I was in trouble. But as my uncle said, every experienced driver needs to get into an accident for the first time.

The first time you held hands with someone special? Boy, it sure made my heart flutter. I couldn't sleep the whole night as I just lay in bed, smiling and feeling like I was the happiest person alive.

How about that first time that special person placed his or her lips on yours? Awkward, but somewhat magical, and time certainly came to a standstill.

First time you had your heart broken? That was the first time I cried, and boy, did I cry, not over a bruised knee or because my parents scolded me. It was the first time I cried over someone I would have called a stranger and walked past without battling an eyelid 2 years before. It was the first time I felt the impact someone could actually have on me, the first time I understood what it meant to have your heart broken, literally, and the first time my parents knew this was something they couldn't protect me from no matter how hard they tried.

The first time I fished out of bedok reservoir? I came to understand why men could actually find it so therapeutic to look into the sea for two hours. I came to understand that the fun you derive from a date does not depend on the amount of money you spend. For me, it doesn't matter where because it's the companion that matters. You were all that mattered, and everything else was a bonus.

The first time you went traveling overseas with your friends? For me, it was a short trip to Bintan. Worried as my parents were, they knew that they could no longer reign complete control over my life and it was time to gradually release the tight grasp on their youngest daughter. And boy, it sure was fun. It was a time of letting loose where rules and habits were broken. Of course, this is not to say that I no longer want to travel with my parents. I do, I still do. I'm a daddy's girl at heart.

The first time I did something crazy that shocked the nerves out of me? It was 4 years back. I convinced my friends to do the reverse bungee at clark quay with me. It was crazy; crazily awesome.

The first time I stepped into a LAN shop? Hanging out with my favorite boys, all of whom adore gaming, I felt compelled to understand what it feels like to be part of their virtual world. These boys literally breathe gaming. And no, it wasn't as enjoyable as they bragged it to be. I could never be a team player, I was always left behind and had to be rescued constantly. I was what people would label, a liability. I had to quit at half time to go out and take a breather because I was getting dizzy with all the animations. But yet, I had fun laughing hilariously with my favorite boys.

The first time you got a job? Kinda realized that not everyone is as compassionate and patient as your family members. Got scolded at work? Suck it up. Got thrashed? Run to the toilet, cry it out for 5 mins, wipe your tears and promise yourself you will do better. But man, when the first pay cheque came, it made all the shit I went through worth it. I felt a sense of achievement when I gave my parents a treat to Andy Lau's concert (I was so excited I bought 3 x $180 worth of tickets) and for the first time, I was spending money I could proudly say was my hard-earned one.

The first times in my life are endless that I could never recount them all, although some definitely stir up more emotions than others whenever I am reminded of them. There are so many more things that I have yet to try but want to. To do bungee jumping, rock climbing, absailing, start a family (dont judge, haha), and the list goes on forever. We often wish we had more time, more energy, more money, lesser commitment. We could always wish.

But one thing for sure is, I will never stop trying something new, because I only have one life, and my motto is to seize the day, to make my moments count.

Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take but by the moments that take our breath away. - Hilary Cooper

Choices, or the lack thereof

I have finally set my heart to apply for jobs tonight. My procrastination saw me holding back for the past few months and my anxiety has finally gotten the better of me watching fellow mates going for interviews after interviews whilst I simply, did nothing.

I entered the portal for careers@gov and clicked away, opening ten over tabs just to apply under the numerous government bodies. Because, isn't this what it is about? Applying for jobs under the public sector upon receiving a prestigious education in one of the most renowned universities around the world, NUS, no thanks to the competency and remarkable efforts our government has put us through to ensure world-class education to produce world-class economic citizens. But, wait... What choices should I make? I haven't been taught how to make choices. I never had my own choice.

Because this is the way that we have been brought up in SG. If you happen to belong to any category that deems your family as middle class and above, your lifecourse has been more or less paved out for you. Compulsory primary education, secondary and tertiary education, secure a job, get married, settle down, have your own kids, retire, and eventually return to be with the Lord. Oh, and might I mention, marriage has to be within the heterosexual couple normalcy and procreation under the institution of marriage. Anyone who so much as deviates away from this conventional route is frowned upon by society, or even your own family. In the worst possible scenario, deviants face possible sanctions upheld by the jurisdiction in SG.

For myself, having been born into an upper middle class family (I thank God for it everyday), it's as though I have been brought into this world to fulfill a mandate that had already been written out for me. I have never considered the idea of pursuing a poly diploma (no, this is not to say it is inferior in any case) because I have always believed that I needed to complete my post-secondary education in a Junior College. And then, I will somehow magically get a posting in either NUS/ NTU. Because, that's just the way it is, at least, that's the way that has been indoctrinated into my mind since young. Yes, I took my life for granted. Even with less than mediocre results for my A's, I easily secured a spot in NTU, but for obvious reasons, I went for NUS instead. At 19, I began life as an undergraduate in NUS, and if all goes well, by 23, I would have graduated with an Honours degree, on my way to the brightest but most assuredly, predicted future. If not, what other choice do I have?

Imagine the shock and how much I needed to adapt when I was slowly, but surely, being introduced to people who did not have life as easily as I did.

'Hi, what are you doing now?'
'Oh, I'm waiting for admission into uni'
*Does a quick mental calculation. So s/he must be 19 or 21 this year*
'wow, so you must be like 21? That's young'
'Nah, I'm 25'
'Oh... I see'

I got to know school dropouts, people who weren't cut out for studying, people who could not afford the cost of education. There were so many people who were different from me. And unlike me, they were forced to make choices and took on unconventional routes. Yet, this is not to say that they didn't turn out well. In fact, many of them have proven that passion and hard work does compensate for your academic insufficiency. They love what they are doing now.

On the other hand, I will settle for a job that suffices for my well-being. On top of that, I need to get married and following that order, have kids. No I dare not deviate from the lifecourse that has been paved out for me. I have been muted to the choices I could have freely made. I do not know if this was what could have given me the highest form of fulfilment for my life.

But have I really been devoid of choices?

What appeared to be the lack of choice for me was just about the opposite. I had the chance to opt for world class education in the luxury of my environment. By that, I mean that I do not need to struggle coping with studies against part time job(s) to pay for my educational expenses. To say the least, I am a degree holder from an established institution in SG. I am almost spoilt for choice in the jobs I will be looking out for.

At the end of the day, I guess I'd very much prefer to be spoilt for choices than to not have an opportunity to make any choice at all.

I am certainly not adopting an elitist mentality but rather am grateful that my life has been more or less, dictated.

#30 things

#2 my alma mater was ACJC and my time there was nothing short of wicked

In 14 points, let me explain why I had such a wickedly good time there.
As I relate the next few sentences, always have No. 1 at the back of your mind.

1) I was the chairperson of my class for 2 consecutive years, how I pulled through, I have no idea.

No I don't usually live for leadership roles. I'd very much prefer to be the girl who minds her own business, and better yet, blend into the wall paper. It was nothing more than a popularity vote because the previous chairperson had to step down from his role to undertake the position of a councilor. Defying authority and being in trouble without being caught was the highlight of my time spent there, all the more because I had greater responsibility (hey, don't judge. We all have that streak of rebellion in us)

2) I climbed the school's back gate every now and then when I was late for school or was simply too lazy to make a detour to the front gate.

3)My dad would send my mum before myself to school. So every morning, at the risk of going for assembly late and having to face detention, I run from the gate to the hall. Which was a good 3 minutes run.

4) I fled from the discipline master because he insisted my skirt was too short.

5) I bumped into him after fleeing from him and when he confronted me, he told me the canteen wasn't that big afterall. What are the chances.

6) I got into trouble for blogging about him and was called into his office. I had to write a one page letter to show my remorse. Yes, this very blog.

7) My classmates and I, we set fire to the basin during chemistry lab lessons. All in the name of, learning Chemistry.

8)Remember there was a 'fight club' where a group of students gathered under a void deck and fought for fun while others just watched? A group of us got into serious trouble for participating, even as witness. And there was so much tension lingering in the air as one by one, we watched classmates getting called into the principal's office. Some got expelled, while others got revoked of leadership titles they held.

9) The camaderie we possessed during those intercollege netball matches or rugby and water polo games whenever we were up against Raffles.

10)My then best friend would always punk me when I was studying with my friends by secretly stealing my bag (I know right) and running away to class with it. Once, I was actually sitting on the seat and he managed to steal it without me knowing. Said best friend would dangle my bag from the second floor as I demand it back from him.

11) Running out of the lifts on forbidden floors (we were only allowed to enter/ exit the lifts on the 1st and 5th floors) out of teachers' sight.

12) Being forced to do swim PE. And my PE teacher? Rumour has it that she'd make sure you provide hard evidence if you said you were having your period

13) And who would have forgotten, those short 40 minutes Mass PE sessions which seriously felt like a prelude to Basic Military Training. On the up side, Mass PE always involved several classes coming together and it was always a get-together-and-suffer-together session with friends from other classes.

14) But best of all, I came to know Christ in this school.

Be happy

Of late, people have been telling me that I am a happy person. I thank God for the transformation and renewed spirit in me because if you've known me a few years ago, I was far from a happy soul.

In between 2009 and the first few months of 2011, I carried with me emotional baggages of anger, bitterness and unforgiveness. Man, did i really struggle. I couldn't let go of the hurts from a failed relationship. I wouldn't go so far as to say it was a bad relationship because every experience is a lesson learnt, whether good or bad. As to why it didn't work out, I don't really wish to go into details. So when you don't deal with your hurts properly or channel it out appropriately, it becomes anger, and following the natural law of order, resentment and bitterness. And can I just say I feel tired just thinking about what I put myself through?

The bible says in Ephesians 4:26 'In your anger, do not sin. Do not let the sun go down on your wrath.' Put simply, do not go to bed angry. Because even God knows that when we are angry, we lose our rationality and our control. I have done so many things I am not proud of when I was angry. I hung up the phone on the person whom I loved, I used nasty words, I raised my voice. And they say a relationship brings out the best and worst in you. In any case, being angry eats into your soul and your energy. It is tiring. When you hate on someone, who suffers? It is definitely not the opposite party, but you. Hating or being angry on someone or something is like feeding poison to your soul.

Over the past year, i've learnt the importance of having a joyful spirit. Because positivity and negativity are like magnets. They attract. But converse to the law of magnetism, in this instance, like poles attract. A positive spirit attracts yet another positive one, whilst negativity attracts, mind you, negativity. So, how do we become that person you hate yet adore who always seem so optimistic about life that it feels sickening? Or the person who is always the center of attraction because of the joy thats coming out from them?

1) Change your mindset.
Tell yourself you want to be happy and that you're sick of being depressed or angry. Some of us actually take comfort in being sad and we feed on these emotions. It's so easy to remain sad rather than tell yourself to stop stirring your pity pot. Been there, done that. Get up, and get out! Yes i don't deny it's not easy but. just. try. Every morning, I wake up and proclaim that I'm happy and it's gonna be a good day. You'd be amazed at the power of confession. And, like they say, always look on the bright side of life. Being joyful about the things in life boost you additional strength to accomplish your tasks. Instead of going about your day with unhappiness and lethargy, why not help yourself go through the day with joy? And when something bad happens to me, I laugh it off. I thank myself for bringing laughter to me at my own expense. You'll be surprised to find so much things to laugh about.

2) Be thankful.
Have a spirit of gratitude. Instead of asking 'WHY' (did this happen to me), ask 'WHAT' (can i do to make it better) or 'HOW' (can i go about this). You don't have to be thankful for everything, but be thankful in everything. Most often, we don't understand why bad things happen to good people. But, accept it gracefully and know that the ordeal was put into your life for a reason. What reason, I don't know. But it definitely strengthens your character and enlarges your capacity. And, count your blessings. As St. Augustine said, "I cried for boots, till I saw a man who had no legs." Be thankful for a family that loves you, for your education, for the safety of your country, for the good governance of the political leaders (there, I said it). When you start to count your blessings, you'd realize you don't know where to stop.

3) Bless others.
Yes, the world really doesn't revolve around you. Instead of focusing inwards on your pain and doing all the self-pity, look outwards. Think about how you can be a blessing to the people around you, the people whom you love. The rewards are intangible. Make a commitment to improve the relationship you always wanted to with your siblings or your parents. Or how about the quiet girl/ guy who comes and goes unnoticed? Be a blessing to them. And if you believe in the laws of sowing and reaping, what you sow, you shall surely reap!

Be the joy that spreads contagiously to the people around. Let the joy come from within you :)

When you.

When u open your heart to someone, u put yourself in a precarious situation because you're exposing your strengths as well as vulnerabilities to that person. You trust that the person will take good care of your heart and not tread on your vulnerabilities. You expect the same quality and quantity of treatment you are inclined to give. You tend to let your emotions get the better of you and find your mood unknowingly dependent on whether the person is giving you adequate attention. You find your emotions taking you on roller coaster rides which can bring you sky high but also valley deep. You are inclined to smile yourself silly whilst replying messages to the absolute amusement of friends and family alike. You find yourself checking your phone every now and then for the text reply from that familiar name and can't help but to feel disappointed when you receive an 'ok' as a reply. You play out scenarios with said person. All when you open your heart to someone.


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